Postpartum: TheFun Stuff

I've had 3 kids, and I feel confident enough in all of the things I'm about to share with you {free of charge!} below.  Stuff maybe people should have told me. This is my
humorous take on things that can possibly happen to you after the birth of your precious newbie. 

The Top 10's....

1.  You'll feel like you pooped a bowling ball out of your vagina. Especially if you had your baby naturally. And if you pushed too hard & strained yourself during labor, you may not even be able to feel when you need to make #2, which in turn makes it hard to LITERALLY "make" a #2 because your muscles are shot.  Gross? You bet! This is reality, folks.

2. You're going to be depleted of all sleep.  Seriously. Kiss it goodbye.  Unless you're on of those annoying mom's who brag to everyone about how your baby started sleeping through the night the first night they came home.  Just shut your face. No one wants to hear that. Especially mom's like me, who have been getting up numerous times over the night with their NOW 6 month baby! -_-

3. The Milk Duds. Expect your boobs to inflate like giant watermelons.  This happens to most breastfeeding moms.  Your husband will think you look hot, while you walk around with cement torpedoes strapped to your chest that leak milk at every whimper your precious newborn makes.  Oh, and if you aren't feeding correctly, be prepared for your boobs to get packed up with milk and feel hard as rocks. That's always fun.

4. You can't fit into your pre-baby clothes.  Yes, that hot bod you had that got you in the situation you just found yourself in will now take on all kinds of different shapes.  That is of course, unless you are like the mom mentioned above that has the sleeping baby.- We shall dub you 'Hot Mom.'   If you are her, you still look amazing, no stretch marks, no flab or fat, and everyone is secretly wondering if you were ever even really pregnant or if you were just wearing a body suit.  We all secretly resent you and stare at your tiny waist, perfect butt, and skinny arms with envy when we're having Mommy Play Dates. TBH, we don't even want to invite you to the play dates anymore.  Sorry about that.

5. Free GPS/Road Maps.  Also known as "stretch-marks."   Now, not everyone gets these.  Especially Hot Mom.  She has had 5 kids and there are no signs of wear n' tear.  But not you.  You've got shiny purple ones on your stomach that will be a permanent reminder of the sweet, little critters that have invaded your space and turned your world upside down. ;)

6. The Fear of the Abyss.  Your husband wants sex, and won't stop harassing you.  But you're too afraid of what the Down Under looks like to attempt it.  You're contemplating a restraining order just so your hoo-ha can have a chance to heal.   The good news?  At least he still wants you after you feel like a Transformer that morphed into an elephant over the course of 9 months.

7.  Mr. Clean Syndrome.  Oh, luscious locks of pre-baby hair.... wave bye-bye!  With every shower you take, you watch your hair clog up the drain.  Soon, you'll notice cute little baldy patches (mine are in the very front), and you'll start obsessing over them.  Just rent G.I. Jane & ask your hubby if he thinks Demi Moore is hot.  If he says yes, you're in luck.  Oh wait, I just remembered- G.I. Jane has Hot Mom body.  Never mind.

8. The Innocent Ignorant Bystanders.   They don't mean any harm, but inflict it unknowingly. "How far along are you?"    I'm not pregnant; I just had a baby. Thank you for the kind reminder that I still look like I'm in my second trimester.  Face Palm. {This actually happened to me in a Publix parking lot. And my kid is almost 7 months old. Whatever. I blame the Empire waist dress}

9. You're Hot.  No, really, you're really hot.  Like, hot flashes, raging through your body at any given moment. It's especially fun when you wake up in the middle of the night to feed your offspring and you're covered in sweat.  You check the A/C and it's on 73.  Everyone else in your house has turned into a human popsicle, but you feel like you're trapped in the Sahara.

10. Annoying  Unsolicited Advice.  After the birth of your baby, people will feel that it is their civic duty to inform you of what you're doing wrong and what you should try instead.  For me, my favorite part is advice like "Sleep when the baby is sleeping!"   I know it sounds like a no brainer, but there is an unseen force working against me here. When my baby is asleep, I'm going to shower so that I feel half human.  Or maybe I'm going to fold laundry because my OCD is propelling me full speed into cleaning up my disheveled castle.  If I have to look at that pile of clothes sitting on my couch for one more minute, I'm going to scream. 



You're welcome.